The trials of being a wanderlust

There's nothing like the ostentatious sound and vivid colors of fireworks to make you realize that although you may be insignificant compared to the almighty awesomeness of the theater of lights and fire, there is a spark in you.

I am not trying to quote, or even remotely sound like I am referring to the atrocious song "Firework" by a certain pop singer of our time. All I mean to say is that there are things in life that you make you realize that there is beauty in the world. It's that beauty that brings you back time and again from the brink of thinking that the world is just gray and predictable.

Being predictable is something I hate. Since I was young I've always shied away from words such as trite and banal. Words in themselves unoriginal so that mentioning them seems like a moot point. Nevertheless, being boring, knowing what path you are taking, and worst of all accepting that path is what makes me strain against the edges of the box that I tend to confine myself in. This may seem like immaturity talking. But the more I spend time looking at the world, the more I realize that there's very little reason to ever stop thinking this way.

I've been toying with how to mold the rational side of myself with the burgeoning imagination that threatens to take over my every day life. It's my goal to now discover when to draw the line between maturity and immaturity. And whether having dreams means being immature, or whether that's what makes life worth living.

I've decided that I won't give up on my dreams to be someplace new every few years. Right now I am just a fledgling, still unsteady on the new wings that I've been given. In years time I hope to have embarked on my path, for the one thing I do know (and as many people say): "being tied down in one place would end me".

Playing the Big Games

As a woman. Here. Now. In this day and age. Life presents some difficult choices. Mainly the question of how hard to fight for something that you may not be good at just because it means you can prove something. Who are we proving it to though? Ourselves or the people around us, and for that matter how much should the opinions of people around us matter?

Time to delve into my own story: I've been told to "not carry a chip on [my] shoulder ". To stop with the idea that I have to prove something just because I'm a woman and I strive to be independent.

Well, let me first explain why I feel like I, or any girl/woman of this generation, feels like they have something to prove.

1. We've grown up seeing that the women in our lives rely on the men (in most cases) to make the important decisions and to be the sole breadwinners. It's women being women, being mothers, being dependent.
2. We've learned that it's best to not rely on others, and we can't imagine having to rely on someone for the sake of living. Especially when the future is so uncertain and a relationship that's here one week could be gone within the next two.
3. We've done it before, proved that we can hang with the big guns, especially in academia

Yet, the more I continue on with life, the more I see how easy it is to not be a player in the big games. Instead, it's so much easier to just ease into something that goes with your personality, with your character, with your innate abilities as a woman. Since it's so easy to do this, maybe we should do this.

Is there any joy in not fighting for it?

Can there be music among the numbers?

I must figure out if a life of numbers hold anything more than crunching "beans" and creating pivot tables in Excel.

Can a person who dreams of learning languages, travelling, and meeting exciting people live in a world of spreadsheets? As a person with no definite answer of what I'm doing with the next few years of my life I can't help but wonder which path to follow. I thought I always wanted to work in the world of numbers, of financial calculations, and a company's financial statements. But, the more I look at what is open to someone of my position, the more I realize that what's available to me is nothing but selling "investments".

When did "investments" become insurance. The bland boring things that I know nothing about because it gives a mortality to life. A definition that we are NOT capable of our dreams. That we are bound to be stuck in a house in central Jersey with nothing but a typical life. Insurance to me means going to Shop Rite to pick up milk, spending Friday nights at home watching Netflix, and going through the same routine day in and day out.

And when did I become the parody that I've tried to avoid my entire life?

I do not think there is any beauty among numbers. This may be the answer to the question I've been searching for.

Pawns of an artistic type

I haven't done something artistic worthy in three weeks. Belly dance used to be the art form in my life, and now that I have graduated I need something new to fill that.

As my brother teaches himself to play the guitar and matches his piano moves to songs he hears and my cousin performs tabla events at the MET, I wonder what should be my next artistic step.

I could go back to the clarinet. The instrument has been untouched for three years. I could begin classical dance, it is in my blood. Just never piqued my interest. If I ever take the second to wonder why it didn't, it's always because I shy away from own culture. I don't want to conformist or to be "perfect". I wanted something filled with more passion. Something that didn't take away from my studies.

I realize how much education took precedence over art and culture. Now that the education is over. Is it time to move to more art and culture?

The beauties of being a graduate

Nothing says epic like pushing yourself past your boundaries. I did a 10+ mile hike Memorial Day weekend, in a hope to beat the Memorial Day beach rush. After 6 hours, many water bottles, and gallons of sweat we finished the 10+mile loop in a little less than 6 hours. I've never done anything this physically grueling before, and it was amazing.

I discovered how strong I am, how much stamina I have, and how much I loved the entire JOURNEY. Seriously, if you're ever feeling "beige", push yourself to do more than you thought you could. I even got chased by a snake, ran downhill on a stony path (stupid of me), ran into a few trees and cut myself up. It was still amazing.

It's been two weeks since graduation and I am having the time of my life!

P.S. If you're in NJ, check out the Stonetown Circular Trail!

The turning point

Like a spinning top that's come to a full stop, my life has just stopped rotating.

It's time for one of those turning points. Those moments where everything you know to be true is gone. Where the next step is solely based on you. Exactly what you want is exactly what happens. For someone who lives by the rules each and every day, this period of limbo is daunting.

The rope that was holding me through life just ran out. I have nothing to grasp onto, nothing to guide me, nothing to make me feel secure and that everything will be alright. It's times like these that one feels like they're in a shaft, going up going down. All we have to move us is the pressure of our hands and feet against the walls.

Some people know which direction is right. For the rest of us who are scrambling, even moving an inch feels like an accomplishment.

But, it's times like these that make you realize you're alive. The mere fact that there is so much possibility in life, where you'll live, work, who you'll be. From love and family and adventures, life is just beginning.

It's time to discard of some things: the friends that never really were your friends, the doubts that rise up in your mind, and the things that just don't enrich you anymore.

As I have learned, change is the greatest gift of all.

As the blog title already states, this is my journey of discovering the creative beauty of life. For many months I've been trying to discover what makes life amazing. Too often than naught I have had a day when nothing new has happened. The same old routine, the same old classes, the same old job search. Ah yes, the job search. The goal of every college graduate. After all it is the only reason why I came to college. Not to discover myself, not to join a sorority, or hook up with boys but to find that perfect career that would make me happy, give me the perfect family, and leave me sleeping peacefully at night. Oh, and make the community I come from super happy and jealous of the awesome stature I'm going to have from my job. (right...)

Yet, as this past year has gone by it's been one long journey of grey. I've done what I'm supposed, dreamed what I'm supposed to, and act how I'm supposed... I just want to different for a bit...I'm tired of doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing.

I did join my school's belly dancing troupe. Scandalous for my family, but hey it let fall in love with a whole new culture. This semester I'm going to choreograph my own dance for the first time, something I've never done and a creative step I'm excited and nervous to take.

So now I'm on a journey to wrestle my cautious and rational mind into opening to a whole world of possibility. From trying new food, to trying new forms of art and expression, to trying new methods of self expression (interpretive dance?!). I'll take up photography, I who know nothing past pictures taken for Facebook.

After all, there isn't a better time to discover things than now. I mean, what else should I REALLY be doing with my life?