Playing the Big Games

As a woman. Here. Now. In this day and age. Life presents some difficult choices. Mainly the question of how hard to fight for something that you may not be good at just because it means you can prove something. Who are we proving it to though? Ourselves or the people around us, and for that matter how much should the opinions of people around us matter?

Time to delve into my own story: I've been told to "not carry a chip on [my] shoulder ". To stop with the idea that I have to prove something just because I'm a woman and I strive to be independent.

Well, let me first explain why I feel like I, or any girl/woman of this generation, feels like they have something to prove.

1. We've grown up seeing that the women in our lives rely on the men (in most cases) to make the important decisions and to be the sole breadwinners. It's women being women, being mothers, being dependent.
2. We've learned that it's best to not rely on others, and we can't imagine having to rely on someone for the sake of living. Especially when the future is so uncertain and a relationship that's here one week could be gone within the next two.
3. We've done it before, proved that we can hang with the big guns, especially in academia

Yet, the more I continue on with life, the more I see how easy it is to not be a player in the big games. Instead, it's so much easier to just ease into something that goes with your personality, with your character, with your innate abilities as a woman. Since it's so easy to do this, maybe we should do this.

Is there any joy in not fighting for it?

Can there be music among the numbers?

I must figure out if a life of numbers hold anything more than crunching "beans" and creating pivot tables in Excel.

Can a person who dreams of learning languages, travelling, and meeting exciting people live in a world of spreadsheets? As a person with no definite answer of what I'm doing with the next few years of my life I can't help but wonder which path to follow. I thought I always wanted to work in the world of numbers, of financial calculations, and a company's financial statements. But, the more I look at what is open to someone of my position, the more I realize that what's available to me is nothing but selling "investments".

When did "investments" become insurance. The bland boring things that I know nothing about because it gives a mortality to life. A definition that we are NOT capable of our dreams. That we are bound to be stuck in a house in central Jersey with nothing but a typical life. Insurance to me means going to Shop Rite to pick up milk, spending Friday nights at home watching Netflix, and going through the same routine day in and day out.

And when did I become the parody that I've tried to avoid my entire life?

I do not think there is any beauty among numbers. This may be the answer to the question I've been searching for.

Pawns of an artistic type

I haven't done something artistic worthy in three weeks. Belly dance used to be the art form in my life, and now that I have graduated I need something new to fill that.

As my brother teaches himself to play the guitar and matches his piano moves to songs he hears and my cousin performs tabla events at the MET, I wonder what should be my next artistic step.

I could go back to the clarinet. The instrument has been untouched for three years. I could begin classical dance, it is in my blood. Just never piqued my interest. If I ever take the second to wonder why it didn't, it's always because I shy away from own culture. I don't want to conformist or to be "perfect". I wanted something filled with more passion. Something that didn't take away from my studies.

I realize how much education took precedence over art and culture. Now that the education is over. Is it time to move to more art and culture?